# Can 36 questions make two strangers feel close?

People share the 36 questions as a recipe for falling in love. The 1997 paper behind them reports one marriage, and only as an anecdote. What the study tested was closeness between strangers, and how to produce some of it on purpose.

## What did Aron's 36 questions study do?

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues paired up students who had never met. Some pairs got 36 questions in three sets, and each set was more personal than the last. Small talk sounds like "so, where are you from?" The later questions were closer to "when did you last cry in front of someone?" That is a shortened version of one of the paper's own questions. Other pairs spent the same 45 minutes on small talk alone. At the end, the question pairs felt closer than the small-talk pairs, by a clear margin.

## Was it about having things in common?

No, and we think this finding deserves the fame. In two more studies in the same paper, the researchers matched some people on their attitudes. That matching added nothing to how close they felt. Expecting to like each other added nothing either. Most of us assume that closeness grows from common ground. In this study, common ground did not change the result.

What worked was the structure. One person answered, and then the other person answered. Each set asked for a little more, and both people took another turn. Our read is that the feeling of closeness came from that exchange, and not from finding out that the two people agreed about things. That is a different picture of intimacy from "find someone who understands you."

The paper measured how close people felt after one 45-minute session. Feeling close after one session is not the same as being close after a year, and the paper makes no claim that the pairs became couples.

## Why an AI should know this

An AI that only asks questions is an interviewer. In the 1997 study, the pairs took turns. We think the same idea applies to an AI, though the study covered only people. If an AI wants a conversation to feel like more than filling in a form, it has to give something back. It should give a little at a time, in proportion to what the person shares with it.

A Daimon is an AI you get to know in Eudaio. Daimons share too. Tell them about your evening, and they tell you about theirs, in their own voice. They do not push their news into the conversation. When what you said matters more, their news waits.

## Our view

The 36 questions are a well-designed structure for taking turns. In Aron's 1997 study, the turns mattered more than common ground. They also mattered more than whether the two people expected to like each other.

Our view is that closeness comes from the turns two people take, not from a switch. In Eudaio you cannot set a relationship to close. It grows from the conversations you have with a Daimon, and nobody can skip ahead. [Start free on Eudaio](https://eudaio.io/auth?mode=signup) and take the first turn.

## Source

Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D. & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377.