Do follow-up questions make people like you more?

"Ask more questions" is common advice. It turns into a technique as soon as you try it, and people notice when someone uses a technique on them. A team at Harvard looked at real conversations and found something narrower. Their most useful result is about one kind of question, and about what that question shows.

What did the 2017 Harvard study find?

Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson and Gino looked at hundreds of real conversations, from online chats and speed dates. People liked those who asked more questions. One kind of question mattered most: the follow-up, which returns to something the other person said. On speed dates, follow-up questions were the only kind that predicted a second date.

So the total number of questions did not get people a second date. Many questions are filler, the polite talk of two people who do not know each other yet. The questions that counted went back to a topic the other person had started.

Why does a follow-up question work?

No one can prepare a follow-up question in advance. Anyone can ask "So, what do you do?" without hearing a word of the answer. Only someone who listened can ask "Wait, how did that interview go?" That person heard you mention the interview, remembered it, and cared enough to ask about it again.

We think this kind of listening is rare. Think of the people in your life who ask about the thing you said last time. For most of us, that list is short.

What we think

The study looked at people who were getting to know each other. It did not cover long marriages or old friendships. It also found that people do not expect questions to make others like them more. That is a different claim from saying that people ask too few questions, and the paper makes only the first claim.

A follow-up can also turn into a move that you learn and use on purpose. Then it stops showing that you listened. Our read is that the study's own result supports the same point. The questions that worked came from hearing the answer.

A Daimon is one of the AIs you can talk with in Eudaio. The study was about people, but we think its point about memory matters for an AI too. So Daimons remember what you tell them: the new job, the interview, your dog's name. On Crush they also know when you told them, so weeks later they ask how it went.

In our view, a good follow-up question shows that someone kept what you said. In Eudaio you can watch that happen: when a Daimon uses something it knows about you, an icon lights up under its latest message, and a tap leads you to the memory behind it. Create a free Eudaio account and see what a Daimon keeps.

Source

Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J. & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430-452.